( the acknowledgment takes a little of the wind out of james' sails — but only a little. he's still angry, and homesick, and he misses his sister and his companions and tony and the parents he never knew. this was supposed to be, if it had to be anything, a chance to connect with a man he'd never know in his own universe. now tony's working to send him home, and he's spent more time with the counterpart of his surrogate father than the man who should have raised him. )
Do you know how long I've wanted to meet you? To see what you and mom were like, to know what it was like to be part of a complete family? I tried so hard to remember the two of you so I could have something to tell Sarah, but I had nothing. I've tried to live up to your legacy my whole life, everyone looks at me to be a leader, and I just wanted to make you proud.
And now I'm here, and I can finally talk to you, and you haven't said one word to me. You're supposed to be my dad, and you won't even talk to me.
( by now, james has truly lost track of the fact that this isn't his own universe — he hasn't been sent back in time, he's been sent sideways, to a world that might have been, if conditions in his own weren't met. but this is steve rogers, and no matter what universe they're in, he's james' father. all the frustration that's built up over the years, all the abandonment and the sleepless nights crying over people he couldn't remember has caught up to him, and he doesn't want apologies anymore. )
Why? Why won't you talk to me, why did you leave me with Tony, why didn't you fight harder? Why was dying trying to do something impossible more important than staying alive for your kids?
[a long time ago, in a whole collection of back alleys and street corners and parking lots, he'd always chosen to take punches rather than abandon his ground. even when facing bullies two, three times his size, even when he'd been beaten black and blue and almost knocked unconscious, surrender had never been an option.
and even in a world where things are so much more complicated, it still shouldn't be.
i just wanted to make you proud — that'd been his own wish once, too, something, he can admit, that had driven him to continue to try to enlist, even as he'd faced nothing but rejection; something that he'd felt he'd finally achieved for the first time when he'd stepped onto the front lines. you're supposed to be my dad — why didn't you fight harder — staying alive for your kids — all the blows are dealt in rapid succession, and though each one somehow hits harder than the last, he takes them without flinching and without question.
in the aftermath, he stands back up; that's what he knows to do.]
I don't know what was on his mind, but if I had to guess, he was doing what he thought would protect you. What he thought was right.
[("for as long as i can remember, i just wanted to do what was right.")]
That doesn't mean that it was. [("i guess i'm not quite sure what that is anymore.". but:)] I can't change what happened, in your universe or in this one, but I can make different choices with the time that we have.
[time, he knows, is something he can no longer afford to squander.
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no subject
Do you know how long I've wanted to meet you? To see what you and mom were like, to know what it was like to be part of a complete family? I tried so hard to remember the two of you so I could have something to tell Sarah, but I had nothing. I've tried to live up to your legacy my whole life, everyone looks at me to be a leader, and I just wanted to make you proud.
And now I'm here, and I can finally talk to you, and you haven't said one word to me. You're supposed to be my dad, and you won't even talk to me.
( by now, james has truly lost track of the fact that this isn't his own universe — he hasn't been sent back in time, he's been sent sideways, to a world that might have been, if conditions in his own weren't met. but this is steve rogers, and no matter what universe they're in, he's james' father. all the frustration that's built up over the years, all the abandonment and the sleepless nights crying over people he couldn't remember has caught up to him, and he doesn't want apologies anymore. )
Why? Why won't you talk to me, why did you leave me with Tony, why didn't you fight harder? Why was dying trying to do something impossible more important than staying alive for your kids?
no subject
and even in a world where things are so much more complicated, it still shouldn't be.
i just wanted to make you proud — that'd been his own wish once, too, something, he can admit, that had driven him to continue to try to enlist, even as he'd faced nothing but rejection; something that he'd felt he'd finally achieved for the first time when he'd stepped onto the front lines. you're supposed to be my dad — why didn't you fight harder — staying alive for your kids — all the blows are dealt in rapid succession, and though each one somehow hits harder than the last, he takes them without flinching and without question.
in the aftermath, he stands back up; that's what he knows to do.]
I don't know what was on his mind, but if I had to guess, he was doing what he thought would protect you. What he thought was right.
[("for as long as i can remember, i just wanted to do what was right.")]
That doesn't mean that it was. [("i guess i'm not quite sure what that is anymore.". but:)] I can't change what happened, in your universe or in this one, but I can make different choices with the time that we have.
[time, he knows, is something he can no longer afford to squander.
there's a pause between messages, then:]
I want to, if you're willing to give me a chance.