[steve has needed — time. it feels like the worst kind of indulgence when he's already taken so much, when years after no longer being frozen, he'd still been stuck. when years after the war had ended, he'd been unable to find another way of life.
but what do you do with something like this?
he has no idea where to start, and doesn't even have precedent to guide him, since he'd never known his own father. if he had to take a guess, though, he's probably doing a terrible job; it's all but confirmed when he gets this message. the guilt is familiar, settles in like stepping into a well-worn shoe, takes what's already been weighing on him for days and makes it crushing. no matter what the circumstances, different universes or anything else, this is his son, and he hasn't been there for him.
(in his mind's eye, he sees snow, sees fingers slip from railing, sees his best friend fall. that's his greatest failing; he's never there when it really counts.)
it's a good minute or so before, finally:]
I'm sorry. [weak, paltry, definitely not enough. so he adds:] I didn't mean to make you feel ignored.
( james is being cruel and he knows it, but steve's not the only one who doesn't know what to do. he never thought he'd meet his father, doesn't have any memory of him to draw upon for comparison, but he'd thought — something. that steve would be different, somehow, or maybe he would be. one of them would know what to do, and they'd slip into each others' lives naturally, like it was meant to be that way. they're father and son, after all. even across universes, that has to count for something.
but steve said nothing, and nothing, and nothing, and james realized that he was going to have to do something about himself. how do you approach the father who died before you could form memories? how do you approach captain america and try to build a relationship with the man whose legacy you're sure you're failing? james is the older between himself and sarah, but she's always been the leader, of the two of them. she's the one who uses the shield. she'd know how to deal with this, but she isn't here, and that absence aches as acutely as steve's inattention. james feels the lack of all the children he was raised with, but being separated from sarah is akin to losing a limb, leaving him feeling off balance, looking over his shoulder for her only to find she's nowhere to be found.
it's all festered and grown inside james over the week-long period it's been since he arrived in this universe, and by now he's not even hurt by steve's inattention, he's just angry. it's easier than dealing with anything else he's feeling. )
Were you even going to talk to me before Tony figured out a way to send me home, or were you just going to let him deal with your problems the same way you did when you died and left me and Sarah with him?
( at this point, it hardly matters that this steve is not james' real father, nor does it matter that he doesn't even know who sarah is — james is angry, and he's a teenager, and he's had all of this pent up for a long time. )
Edited (the grammar was gonna kill me) 2016-07-25 16:07 (UTC)
[the tone of the message is as much a mirror as james's appearance had been when he'd first laid eyes on him. steve recognizes something he knows all too well, something that's been a constant companion for so long he can barely remember life without it. when it's been anger versus loss, he's chosen anger almost every single time, punched his way to trying to find some kind of direction.
he deserves everything that james is throwing at him; in fact, he actually deserves a lot more. it stings, hits something raw and deep with palpable force, but he takes it. that's the least he can do to start making up for the things that aren't technically his fault, as well as the things that are; responsibility falls on the same place regardless.
it isn't much of a plan, but right now, it's the best he's got. (the questions — sarah? — are one thing that can wait.)]
There's no excuse for what I did, and you have every right to be angry with me. I should've been there for you.
[in this universe, and the other one, too — he should've been there, not repeated history. it's the most unforgivable thing he could ever do.]
( the acknowledgment takes a little of the wind out of james' sails — but only a little. he's still angry, and homesick, and he misses his sister and his companions and tony and the parents he never knew. this was supposed to be, if it had to be anything, a chance to connect with a man he'd never know in his own universe. now tony's working to send him home, and he's spent more time with the counterpart of his surrogate father than the man who should have raised him. )
Do you know how long I've wanted to meet you? To see what you and mom were like, to know what it was like to be part of a complete family? I tried so hard to remember the two of you so I could have something to tell Sarah, but I had nothing. I've tried to live up to your legacy my whole life, everyone looks at me to be a leader, and I just wanted to make you proud.
And now I'm here, and I can finally talk to you, and you haven't said one word to me. You're supposed to be my dad, and you won't even talk to me.
( by now, james has truly lost track of the fact that this isn't his own universe — he hasn't been sent back in time, he's been sent sideways, to a world that might have been, if conditions in his own weren't met. but this is steve rogers, and no matter what universe they're in, he's james' father. all the frustration that's built up over the years, all the abandonment and the sleepless nights crying over people he couldn't remember has caught up to him, and he doesn't want apologies anymore. )
Why? Why won't you talk to me, why did you leave me with Tony, why didn't you fight harder? Why was dying trying to do something impossible more important than staying alive for your kids?
[a long time ago, in a whole collection of back alleys and street corners and parking lots, he'd always chosen to take punches rather than abandon his ground. even when facing bullies two, three times his size, even when he'd been beaten black and blue and almost knocked unconscious, surrender had never been an option.
and even in a world where things are so much more complicated, it still shouldn't be.
i just wanted to make you proud — that'd been his own wish once, too, something, he can admit, that had driven him to continue to try to enlist, even as he'd faced nothing but rejection; something that he'd felt he'd finally achieved for the first time when he'd stepped onto the front lines. you're supposed to be my dad — why didn't you fight harder — staying alive for your kids — all the blows are dealt in rapid succession, and though each one somehow hits harder than the last, he takes them without flinching and without question.
in the aftermath, he stands back up; that's what he knows to do.]
I don't know what was on his mind, but if I had to guess, he was doing what he thought would protect you. What he thought was right.
[("for as long as i can remember, i just wanted to do what was right.")]
That doesn't mean that it was. [("i guess i'm not quite sure what that is anymore.". but:)] I can't change what happened, in your universe or in this one, but I can make different choices with the time that we have.
[time, he knows, is something he can no longer afford to squander.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
surprise!!!
screams
but what do you do with something like this?
he has no idea where to start, and doesn't even have precedent to guide him, since he'd never known his own father. if he had to take a guess, though, he's probably doing a terrible job; it's all but confirmed when he gets this message. the guilt is familiar, settles in like stepping into a well-worn shoe, takes what's already been weighing on him for days and makes it crushing. no matter what the circumstances, different universes or anything else, this is his son, and he hasn't been there for him.
(in his mind's eye, he sees snow, sees fingers slip from railing, sees his best friend fall. that's his greatest failing; he's never there when it really counts.)
it's a good minute or so before, finally:]
I'm sorry. [weak, paltry, definitely not enough. so he adds:] I didn't mean to make you feel ignored.
[but it's still not enough.]
no subject
( james is being cruel and he knows it, but steve's not the only one who doesn't know what to do. he never thought he'd meet his father, doesn't have any memory of him to draw upon for comparison, but he'd thought — something. that steve would be different, somehow, or maybe he would be. one of them would know what to do, and they'd slip into each others' lives naturally, like it was meant to be that way. they're father and son, after all. even across universes, that has to count for something.
but steve said nothing, and nothing, and nothing, and james realized that he was going to have to do something about himself. how do you approach the father who died before you could form memories? how do you approach captain america and try to build a relationship with the man whose legacy you're sure you're failing? james is the older between himself and sarah, but she's always been the leader, of the two of them. she's the one who uses the shield. she'd know how to deal with this, but she isn't here, and that absence aches as acutely as steve's inattention. james feels the lack of all the children he was raised with, but being separated from sarah is akin to losing a limb, leaving him feeling off balance, looking over his shoulder for her only to find she's nowhere to be found.
it's all festered and grown inside james over the week-long period it's been since he arrived in this universe, and by now he's not even hurt by steve's inattention, he's just angry. it's easier than dealing with anything else he's feeling. )
Were you even going to talk to me before Tony figured out a way to send me home, or were you just going to let him deal with your problems the same way you did when you died and left me and Sarah with him?
( at this point, it hardly matters that this steve is not james' real father, nor does it matter that he doesn't even know who sarah is — james is angry, and he's a teenager, and he's had all of this pent up for a long time. )
no subject
he deserves everything that james is throwing at him; in fact, he actually deserves a lot more. it stings, hits something raw and deep with palpable force, but he takes it. that's the least he can do to start making up for the things that aren't technically his fault, as well as the things that are; responsibility falls on the same place regardless.
it isn't much of a plan, but right now, it's the best he's got. (the questions — sarah? — are one thing that can wait.)]
There's no excuse for what I did, and you have every right to be angry with me. I should've been there for you.
[in this universe, and the other one, too — he should've been there, not repeated history. it's the most unforgivable thing he could ever do.]
no subject
Do you know how long I've wanted to meet you? To see what you and mom were like, to know what it was like to be part of a complete family? I tried so hard to remember the two of you so I could have something to tell Sarah, but I had nothing. I've tried to live up to your legacy my whole life, everyone looks at me to be a leader, and I just wanted to make you proud.
And now I'm here, and I can finally talk to you, and you haven't said one word to me. You're supposed to be my dad, and you won't even talk to me.
( by now, james has truly lost track of the fact that this isn't his own universe — he hasn't been sent back in time, he's been sent sideways, to a world that might have been, if conditions in his own weren't met. but this is steve rogers, and no matter what universe they're in, he's james' father. all the frustration that's built up over the years, all the abandonment and the sleepless nights crying over people he couldn't remember has caught up to him, and he doesn't want apologies anymore. )
Why? Why won't you talk to me, why did you leave me with Tony, why didn't you fight harder? Why was dying trying to do something impossible more important than staying alive for your kids?
no subject
and even in a world where things are so much more complicated, it still shouldn't be.
i just wanted to make you proud — that'd been his own wish once, too, something, he can admit, that had driven him to continue to try to enlist, even as he'd faced nothing but rejection; something that he'd felt he'd finally achieved for the first time when he'd stepped onto the front lines. you're supposed to be my dad — why didn't you fight harder — staying alive for your kids — all the blows are dealt in rapid succession, and though each one somehow hits harder than the last, he takes them without flinching and without question.
in the aftermath, he stands back up; that's what he knows to do.]
I don't know what was on his mind, but if I had to guess, he was doing what he thought would protect you. What he thought was right.
[("for as long as i can remember, i just wanted to do what was right.")]
That doesn't mean that it was. [("i guess i'm not quite sure what that is anymore.". but:)] I can't change what happened, in your universe or in this one, but I can make different choices with the time that we have.
[time, he knows, is something he can no longer afford to squander.
there's a pause between messages, then:]
I want to, if you're willing to give me a chance.